Endymion
Chapter 3
The strong tidal wave of our break up wasn’t ended there. It still took me a while to settle after moving out. Without a day went by I woke up in my new flat I was almost always having a hard time realising I was no longer in my old flat and Carl wasn’t in the house or even next to me, which lead to more crying campaign and more icy water to bury my face into. When the tears finally retreated slightly, I suddenly turned into an anti-social freak. With an exception of doing some essential groceries shopping (mostly for cat and dog), the only placed I would go were hospital, lectures and my flat. Pub? Sorry! Not interested. I’ve got plenty of stock myself. Gym? Why bother? No one was watching anyway. Catchupwithyourfriend lunch? No, I was not going to listen to other girls showing off their newfound fella or the graphic details about their love live. I mean, why would I bother to socialise when the most important person I cared about was no longer there?
“You might meet someone new and much better.” Zoë tried to persuade me to go out with her on the phone one Friday night.
“They all look like handicaps to me. Besides, I only want Carl.” more weeping.
“What about Doctor Owen? You know I can ask him to come as well.”
“Thanks, no thanks. I am not going to use him as painkiller.”
“Are you sure? You know he will be over the moon for you asking him out for a drink.”
“Yes, I am positive.”
“He’s not bad looking fella, you know.”
“No.”
“Are you sure?” Now she was going around in circles.
“Have I made myself clear? I-ONLY-WANT-CARL!!!” Oh Christ! Why couldn’t she just leave me alone?
“Come-on! You and I both know this is just part of the process. You will get better one day. Join us! We will help you to get through this faster!”
“But I don’t want to get better.” Now even I started feeling I was a bit annoy: “Just piss off!”
“Is that how you treated a caring friend?” Zoë used her final straw.
“I don’t have any friend and I don’t need ANY!!”
Now that announcement cost me one whole week’s non-stop apology, a very expensive lunch and one of my favourite dresses. But that was another story and let’s just not dwell with that.
My self-alienation last about another two to three months.
No, really only two to three months, let me assured you.
What you heard about other people said their heartache last a couple of years or even lifetime was totally nonsense. “My heart was dead after that.” or “ He took my heart and destroyed it” that kind of thing, if you were with me (I would be really worried if my heart was really dead. That means the whole human race was actually weaker than we thought). The actual moan lasted only a couple of months. As long as you avoid it carefully (NB: this was the key), don’t touch the wound whenever you feel like. You would surprisingly found out at the end even though it still sore and badly bruised, it was no longer bleeding.
At least that was what happened to me.
Amazingly, day by day, I found myself got slightly better (just slightly, unfortunately this was not going to happen overnight like most of the literatures we’ve read and sometimes the progress was so small, even a snail could moved faster than that). And before I realised, the whole event no longer took a central part of my daily life. To my astonishment and delight (no one really want to stuck in that kind of misery forever once their common sense fully restored from the pain and misery), I started laughing at some comedy on the tele, managed to arrange my facial muscles to pose a smile at my new neighbour (Tony and Crystelle, an accountant and a recruitment consultant) when I was out walking “my” dog (I decided to name him “Gizmo”), last but not least, once I actually chat with Daphne on the phone for a good half an hour without trying or attempting to make any excuse to hang up or puked.
How did that happened? You might ask.
How did Daphne in her right mind would ring me?
Oh that.
It was Carl who rang first.
“Hey.” I just arrived home from one of my “non-nurse related” lectures, the phone rang.
It was Carl.
To be honest with you, I didn’t expect he will call, either. I almost dropped the phone when I heard his voice.
“Oh hiiii!”
“How are you?” Goddamnit! How come his voice could still sounded so nice and sexy and gave me a great comfort on the phone?
“I’m fine.” After a few seconds, I managed to squeeze my voice out of my lung: “Why do you ask?”
“Zoë told me you were not well. Are you sure you are alright?”
That cheek of her!!!
“She might be on P when she told you that. No, I am alright.”
Carl laughed: “Alright then!”
Five seconds’ silence.
“What about you? How are you?”
“Oh! I’m well.”
“What are you doing?”
“Just finished dinner with Daphne. She’s doing the dishes.”
“How come you are not doing the dishes?............. Hey! You had dishwasher there, the cheek of you!”
“The dishwasher was broken! This is not the first time it happened. It happened once when you lived here, remember? You know this machine in kind of antique. It was almost as old as this house.”
“The kitchen was flooded again?!!!” I laughed: “Far out! Do you remember last time I nearly cried when I saw the kitchen was flooded when I came home from the uni?”
“Yeah, and I had to move all the stuff around to wipe off the water. Now it’s my turn. You could have imagined what my face was likewhen I found out there was water coming out of kitchen. That was it! I chuck the dishwasher out and bought a new one. They are going to install it next week.”
I smiled: “And meanwhile, Daphne the angle came to rescue.”
“Yup!” Carl laughed, then he paused for a while. Sound like Daphne was talking to him.
“Hey, Bella.” He still called my nickname! That almost put me to the edge of another crying disaster: “Daphne wants to talk to you.”
“What does she want to talk to me for? She .....” Before I had a chance to finish my question, a female’s voice appeared at the other end of the phone. I had to say she sounded very nice: “Isabella? It’s Daphne here. How are you? Carl told me so much about you.”
“He does?” I was a bit surprised.
“Yeah! He always told me how sweet you are and what a funny person to be with. That make me soooo jealous, you know. He talked about you so much for a while I actually thought you and him still had a thing.”
“Oh really?” I would truely happy if we indeed still had a thing.
“Really. We’ve got to meet and have a couple of coffee together sometimes. Now tell me, Carl had a favourite dessert called………chocolate pudding? You know, with melted chocolate in the centre and when you dig the spoon in, they will come out over the plate thingy…”
“Yeah…he loves that stuff.”
“I know. He had described to me and told me how to do it several times and I still can’t do it properly. He told me you are the one who’s the master of that. Can you tell me how to do it?”
“What did Carl taught you? You know he had such a bad short term memory these days, sometimes I wonder if he was on some kind of recreational drugs........” Ended up I gave her a lecture over the phone on how to make Carl’s favourite chocolate pudding plus how to defeat his cheeky tricks on avoided doing house works. I cried whole night after that (as I expected. What did I told you? Don’t touch the wound.). But to my own disbelieve, I actually got up and went to work the next day, humming with the song on the radio on the way. You know, if this call came about three weeks earlier, I would had to call for a sick day off.
Last Sunday I even went for a whole day shopping spree with Zoë. The real walkaroundtryalotandbreakmywallet one. I bought myself an awful lot of new clothes.
“I see,” Zoë gave me a meaningful look: “here comes the mighty cure-all retail therapy.”
“Maybe I am.” I thought for a moment: “Maybe I am.”
I felt a bit guilty. Nearly 5 years’ together with Carl only lasted two to three months’ moaning? What happened to all those emotions I had all these months ago? What happened to the loneliness and heartache? Was that meant I no longer loved Carl?
I believed I still loved him and I still felt very sad when I remembered Carl. I still missed him terribly and I would still very happy if he was back to me. But since crying and self-pity couldn’t solve anything, I mean, Carl still with someone else, what was the point kept doing all this? They only gave you some internal injuries and achieved absolutely nothing. We lived in a 21st century these days, you see. Dragged around with those was so pre-historic.
Life goes on.
Sad, isn’t it?
The phone rang.
I answered the phone. It was Zoë.
“Heeey! It’s me! Since you had made some visual recovery. Do you want to come out tonight for a couple of drink with us?”
“Urrh... Okay!” I found myself replied.
“Sweet! I will ask Doctor Owen out as well.”
“NO!!” now she went a bit too far: “ Now listen to me, young lady. I only agree to go out with you tonight, not Doctor Owens. No offence, but I don’t not have any feeling towards him whatsoever at all. Okay? I do not need any male company. If you asked him to go out with us tonight, I swear to god our friendship will be officially finished and we will never ever see each other again. Now do I make myself clear?”
“Yes! Madam!” Zoë laughed and giggled like a 12 year olds: “Man! Now I see you’ve fully recovered. My glorious days are over!”
Chapter 3
The strong tidal wave of our break up wasn’t ended there. It still took me a while to settle after moving out. Without a day went by I woke up in my new flat I was almost always having a hard time realising I was no longer in my old flat and Carl wasn’t in the house or even next to me, which lead to more crying campaign and more icy water to bury my face into. When the tears finally retreated slightly, I suddenly turned into an anti-social freak. With an exception of doing some essential groceries shopping (mostly for cat and dog), the only placed I would go were hospital, lectures and my flat. Pub? Sorry! Not interested. I’ve got plenty of stock myself. Gym? Why bother? No one was watching anyway. Catchupwithyourfriend lunch? No, I was not going to listen to other girls showing off their newfound fella or the graphic details about their love live. I mean, why would I bother to socialise when the most important person I cared about was no longer there?
“You might meet someone new and much better.” Zoë tried to persuade me to go out with her on the phone one Friday night.
“They all look like handicaps to me. Besides, I only want Carl.” more weeping.
“What about Doctor Owen? You know I can ask him to come as well.”
“Thanks, no thanks. I am not going to use him as painkiller.”
“Are you sure? You know he will be over the moon for you asking him out for a drink.”
“Yes, I am positive.”
“He’s not bad looking fella, you know.”
“No.”
“Are you sure?” Now she was going around in circles.
“Have I made myself clear? I-ONLY-WANT-CARL!!!” Oh Christ! Why couldn’t she just leave me alone?
“Come-on! You and I both know this is just part of the process. You will get better one day. Join us! We will help you to get through this faster!”
“But I don’t want to get better.” Now even I started feeling I was a bit annoy: “Just piss off!”
“Is that how you treated a caring friend?” Zoë used her final straw.
“I don’t have any friend and I don’t need ANY!!”
Now that announcement cost me one whole week’s non-stop apology, a very expensive lunch and one of my favourite dresses. But that was another story and let’s just not dwell with that.
My self-alienation last about another two to three months.
No, really only two to three months, let me assured you.
What you heard about other people said their heartache last a couple of years or even lifetime was totally nonsense. “My heart was dead after that.” or “ He took my heart and destroyed it” that kind of thing, if you were with me (I would be really worried if my heart was really dead. That means the whole human race was actually weaker than we thought). The actual moan lasted only a couple of months. As long as you avoid it carefully (NB: this was the key), don’t touch the wound whenever you feel like. You would surprisingly found out at the end even though it still sore and badly bruised, it was no longer bleeding.
At least that was what happened to me.
Amazingly, day by day, I found myself got slightly better (just slightly, unfortunately this was not going to happen overnight like most of the literatures we’ve read and sometimes the progress was so small, even a snail could moved faster than that). And before I realised, the whole event no longer took a central part of my daily life. To my astonishment and delight (no one really want to stuck in that kind of misery forever once their common sense fully restored from the pain and misery), I started laughing at some comedy on the tele, managed to arrange my facial muscles to pose a smile at my new neighbour (Tony and Crystelle, an accountant and a recruitment consultant) when I was out walking “my” dog (I decided to name him “Gizmo”), last but not least, once I actually chat with Daphne on the phone for a good half an hour without trying or attempting to make any excuse to hang up or puked.
How did that happened? You might ask.
How did Daphne in her right mind would ring me?
Oh that.
It was Carl who rang first.
“Hey.” I just arrived home from one of my “non-nurse related” lectures, the phone rang.
It was Carl.
To be honest with you, I didn’t expect he will call, either. I almost dropped the phone when I heard his voice.
“Oh hiiii!”
“How are you?” Goddamnit! How come his voice could still sounded so nice and sexy and gave me a great comfort on the phone?
“I’m fine.” After a few seconds, I managed to squeeze my voice out of my lung: “Why do you ask?”
“Zoë told me you were not well. Are you sure you are alright?”
That cheek of her!!!
“She might be on P when she told you that. No, I am alright.”
Carl laughed: “Alright then!”
Five seconds’ silence.
“What about you? How are you?”
“Oh! I’m well.”
“What are you doing?”
“Just finished dinner with Daphne. She’s doing the dishes.”
“How come you are not doing the dishes?............. Hey! You had dishwasher there, the cheek of you!”
“The dishwasher was broken! This is not the first time it happened. It happened once when you lived here, remember? You know this machine in kind of antique. It was almost as old as this house.”
“The kitchen was flooded again?!!!” I laughed: “Far out! Do you remember last time I nearly cried when I saw the kitchen was flooded when I came home from the uni?”
“Yeah, and I had to move all the stuff around to wipe off the water. Now it’s my turn. You could have imagined what my face was likewhen I found out there was water coming out of kitchen. That was it! I chuck the dishwasher out and bought a new one. They are going to install it next week.”
I smiled: “And meanwhile, Daphne the angle came to rescue.”
“Yup!” Carl laughed, then he paused for a while. Sound like Daphne was talking to him.
“Hey, Bella.” He still called my nickname! That almost put me to the edge of another crying disaster: “Daphne wants to talk to you.”
“What does she want to talk to me for? She .....” Before I had a chance to finish my question, a female’s voice appeared at the other end of the phone. I had to say she sounded very nice: “Isabella? It’s Daphne here. How are you? Carl told me so much about you.”
“He does?” I was a bit surprised.
“Yeah! He always told me how sweet you are and what a funny person to be with. That make me soooo jealous, you know. He talked about you so much for a while I actually thought you and him still had a thing.”
“Oh really?” I would truely happy if we indeed still had a thing.
“Really. We’ve got to meet and have a couple of coffee together sometimes. Now tell me, Carl had a favourite dessert called………chocolate pudding? You know, with melted chocolate in the centre and when you dig the spoon in, they will come out over the plate thingy…”
“Yeah…he loves that stuff.”
“I know. He had described to me and told me how to do it several times and I still can’t do it properly. He told me you are the one who’s the master of that. Can you tell me how to do it?”
“What did Carl taught you? You know he had such a bad short term memory these days, sometimes I wonder if he was on some kind of recreational drugs........” Ended up I gave her a lecture over the phone on how to make Carl’s favourite chocolate pudding plus how to defeat his cheeky tricks on avoided doing house works. I cried whole night after that (as I expected. What did I told you? Don’t touch the wound.). But to my own disbelieve, I actually got up and went to work the next day, humming with the song on the radio on the way. You know, if this call came about three weeks earlier, I would had to call for a sick day off.
Last Sunday I even went for a whole day shopping spree with Zoë. The real walkaroundtryalotandbreakmywallet one. I bought myself an awful lot of new clothes.
“I see,” Zoë gave me a meaningful look: “here comes the mighty cure-all retail therapy.”
“Maybe I am.” I thought for a moment: “Maybe I am.”
I felt a bit guilty. Nearly 5 years’ together with Carl only lasted two to three months’ moaning? What happened to all those emotions I had all these months ago? What happened to the loneliness and heartache? Was that meant I no longer loved Carl?
I believed I still loved him and I still felt very sad when I remembered Carl. I still missed him terribly and I would still very happy if he was back to me. But since crying and self-pity couldn’t solve anything, I mean, Carl still with someone else, what was the point kept doing all this? They only gave you some internal injuries and achieved absolutely nothing. We lived in a 21st century these days, you see. Dragged around with those was so pre-historic.
Life goes on.
Sad, isn’t it?
The phone rang.
I answered the phone. It was Zoë.
“Heeey! It’s me! Since you had made some visual recovery. Do you want to come out tonight for a couple of drink with us?”
“Urrh... Okay!” I found myself replied.
“Sweet! I will ask Doctor Owen out as well.”
“NO!!” now she went a bit too far: “ Now listen to me, young lady. I only agree to go out with you tonight, not Doctor Owens. No offence, but I don’t not have any feeling towards him whatsoever at all. Okay? I do not need any male company. If you asked him to go out with us tonight, I swear to god our friendship will be officially finished and we will never ever see each other again. Now do I make myself clear?”
“Yes! Madam!” Zoë laughed and giggled like a 12 year olds: “Man! Now I see you’ve fully recovered. My glorious days are over!”
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