TaNkGiRly 的網路日誌

Endymion


Chapter 8


How did this happen? How could every time when you thought this is the last time your heart aching this bad and there is nothing will hurt this much next time, something come up and smack you like a 40' truck just ran over you? How could every time you thought you have been through the worst possible situation and there is nothing else will get you anymore, something come up like the sky had just fallen down on you? How could every time you thought your tears had definitely go dry, you no longer have the ability to cry anymore, something come up and make you weep like the Hoover Dam had just collapsed? I thought I've been through the worst, I thought I was completely over Carl and was on my way towards the end of the recovery process. How could the jealousy over Daphne's pregnancy would hurt me this bad? I was depressing and crying for absolutely nonsense. I sat in my stretch bed, staring at the wall and weeping like crazy. 'Oh! Get back to your senses, will you? You are crying for nothing!!!!' Over and over again for the next couple of hours I ordered, reasoned, even threaten myself to stop, but failed. All of the sudden my mind had failed to control my tears, let it streamed down my face once again in bucket load.

Cricky! No wonder some people said women are made out of water!

My thought kept spinning around in circle. 'Daphne is having Carl's baby! Daphne is having Carl's baby!' Like there was nothing else left in my scone but that. Forget about the goddamn exam! Forget about Alex the Endymion (Okay, now we were at it, maybe not that quick)! Ladies and Gentlemen! I was proudly announced that the World War X between my emotional and logic senses has now officially started.

And from every aspect, my emotional senses were wining.

Christ! I really hate myself.

At the worst possible moment, I mean, with tears all over my face, eyes started swollen and looked very un-nurse, unprofessional-like, I heard cars pulled onto the house’s driveway.

Molly Great! The Simpsons were back! Suddenly I was in panic state. I had only record-breaking 5 minutes to gather my thought, rushed to the bathroom (this involved sneaking through the hallway on the second floor without making a sound) to give my face a quick scrub and decreased my puffy eyes to acceptable level (well, luckily it was a bit puffy this morning before they left anyway, thanks to the sleepless nights and the mighty comments Alex had given me.) before heading downstairs with a ohnothingeverhappenedandIamhavingagoodtime look to greet them.

Pretty marvellous achievement indeed, if you were with me.

"Have you managed to do some study, dear?" Alex's mum asked.

"Absolutely." I replied casually.

"And you didn't blow anything up, did you?" Alex gave me an evil look.

"You will find there was no Weapons of Mass Destruction anywhere in your house, sir!" I winked at him. Now I've been getting better and better at this, pretending nothing had happened and with all smiles on my face. I even managed to make jokes. Not everybody was able to preform such a task really.

Oscar performance, my dear!

Applause, please!

Clap! Clap! Clap!

Ahem.

Maybe I should get my speech paper ready.

Alex looked like he was having a pretty good day. Going home and paying some visit with old friends did do him some goods, despite his sour comments on everybody’s intentions.

Alex wanted to have some rest before dinner. Alex’s brother Nigel and I helped Alex get back to his room.

It was then I found Kate wasn't with them.

“Where is Kate?" I asked.

"She went home." Nigel answered: “Said she had to prepare some sales report for next week.”

I took a look at Alex. Now this was strange, he didn't seem to care whereabouts his girlfriend was. Like she was passer by, no compassion or emotion involved between them at all.

“Oh.” I watched Nigel left the room.

“What? You want to talk to her?” Alex looked at me funny.

“NO! I just…. I just thought…” I weakly explained, felt as heat had burnt a hole on my face: “I just thought she was all keen to talk to you this morning….how could all of the sudden she decided to…just go home….urh…”

“Well, she did talk to me. But then she decided to leave.” Alex started looking at the books and notes I had left on my stretch bed. It was now obvious that he didn’t really want to talk about this anymore: “Are those what you’ve been studied?”

“Yup.”

“How far away are you?”

“Not very far.” I signed and shrugged: “I am as dead as a fish finger.”

Then we all laughed like a group of hysterics.

“Would you like any help??” He offered.

“Thanks! No, Thanks!” I smiled: “Don’t think an architect know much nurses’ trick of the trade.”

“What?! You underestimate me!!” Alex acted if he was hurt by putting his hands on his chest. “Science was one of my favourite subjects when I was in high school.”

“This has nothing to do with Science.” I assisted Alex to get into bed: “Well, not exactly.”

“I am a fast learner!!” Alex smiled.

“Yeah, right.”

“Really.”

“Well, I don’t really have time to teach you.” I looked at him: “Swallowing all that requiring my total concentration.”

“You don’t need to spend time teaching me.” He insisted: “Why don’t you give it a go?”

“Go what?”

“Let me help.”

“No, Thanks. And stop giving me that Bambi look.”

This had Alex in stitches.

“Carl used to be like this…” I smiled half-heartily, started checking his condition, measuring body temperature and stuff. It looked like this morning’s outing didn’t do any harm on his body at all. We were all a bit over reacting.

Immediately I realised what I just saying.

I almost bite my tongue off.

Alex raised his eyebrow.

“Carl?”

“Oh! Sorry! Just…..forget about what I just said. My brain has so crammed with my exam I can barely think straight at this time of the day...” My face must have had gone bright red again. What have I just done? A professional nurse shouldn’t mention her personal life to his/her patient. Not to mention this patient was the one who she had a crush on. Felt utterly embarrassed, I hastily finished what I was doing, turned around and getting ready to leave the room before Alex started asking me questions.

Unfortunately Alex wasn’t letting me sneak away that easily: “Isabella?”

“Yeah?” Please, please don’t ask me more questions!

Well, Alex wasn’t a mind reader, that’s for sure: “Is this Carl fella…..is he the one you’ve been with…the one you mentioned last night?”

A long silence.

I struggled for about a split second, wondering if I should tell him.

I could have just told him to fuck off; it’s none of his business.

Or something like that.

But……

Well, for some reason I just couldn’t harden myself to do such a cruel task. Not in front of Alex the Endymion.

Another couple of minutes’ long silence.

Finally I gave in. What the hell! I had already flipped open his curiosity box, I might as well filled them up.

“Yes.” I signed.

“What was he used to do?” I could feel Alex was looking at me: “Did he use to….do all these?”

“…..Yes.”

“Offered help for your exam, gently teased you….all these?”

I nodded and turned my head around to look at Alex. His look was somewhat…..a bit different. All of the sudden it became more passionate, more fragile, more expecting, more………jealous.

More jealous.

Oh my god!!

I stared at Alex with disbelieve. Was I getting the right idea that he was….?

He wasn’t fancy me, was he?

He couldn’t be, well, fancy me, could he? He was my patient, had no leg, and with a most beautiful girl I had ever encountered on this very planet….(we’ve gone through this!). He was also very nice looking, had the most gorgeous eyes I had ever seen in my life, and when he smiled, it was as if the whole world was melted (now this sounded like something out of one of those trashy romantic novel, but I swore it did exist and it was 100% true). I had about a hundred reasons that he shouldn’t be fancy any bits about me. But people had always said your eyes wouldn’t lie, you could see people souls through their eyes or something like that. And from the message that I had just got, Alex, my most gorgeous patient in my professional career history, was 100% fancying me.

Alex’s next question, filled with jealousy and little doubt, disturbed my thought and confirmed my assumption: “Do you still love him?”

At that very moment, my heart filled with the mix of joy and panic. On one hand I was delighted that it wasn’t just a silly crush, Alex actually had the same feeling toward me, too. There was no such a joy in the world greater than this; on the other hand, I still felt guilty about not being able to give enough time for the grieve over losing Carl.

“…………..Trying very hard not to.” After looking at each other for what felt like almost a century, I quietly answered.

“What do you mean?” Well, looked like he was not going to give up that easily.

“……. As his heart no longer belong to mine.” My eye filled with tears. The conversation with Daphne over the phone earlier today had come back to me. Suddenly I realised what I was upset about before Alex came back. It wasn’t all jealousy. It was the realisation: Carl was not going to come back to me. His heart had gone with someone else. I was only crying over the death of our love relationship, which was rather different than the one I had a few months ago, that was for the pain of us being parted.

Alex’s face was all disappointed and somehow slightly ached for my pain and grieves; well, maybe it was just my imagination. His eye drifted away from me for a couple of minutes. Just as I thought there was no more questions from him, I might as well saying something polite and shoot off to somewhere else to calm down all these bloody emotions (well, it was definitely not good for you and if you leave it for so long, you were about to be hospitalised for sure.), he looked at me again and guess what, further questions: “What happened?”

“…why do you want to know?” I asked defensively. It was a rather silly question really. Anyone who fancied someone else would want to know more about this person. But I wasn’t really to give Alex in all my personal side of life just yet.

Luckily Alex just shrugged and closed his eyes. Looks like he was ready to have his nap now.

Phew.

I quietly left the room and headed downstairs. Alex’s mum spotted me down the kitchen, quickly offered some cuppa and biscuits. I politely declined (well, not at the moment anyway), asked if they wouldn’t mind if I went off for a walk before Alex wake up and dinner. She was such a nice lady, not only wouldn’t mind me doing so, but also kindly recommended me a beach not very far from the house (this island sure came very cosy, everything was very handy compare to the great mighty Auckland), quite a nice view there, perhaps I would like to go and have a look.

Sounds like a bloody good idea to me! I thanked her and left the house.

It didn’t take me long to find this little beach Alex’s mum recommended. Surprisingly there was hardly anyone around (well, we were talking about the Easter holiday here. Having a near-empty beach all by yourself was slightly unexpected and a bit luxury). I found a spot under the tree and sit down, ready to give my mind a nice decent clearing.

I thought I owed it this much.

To start with, I mentally outline what has been happening since I arrived here:

· Alex has a very beautiful and decent girlfriend Kate.

· I had a crushed on Alex.

· Daphne rang and told me she’s having Carl’s baby (this still drew me close to tears).

· I realised Alex and I were actually fancy each other.

· I didn’t think I am ready.

· Alex has a girlfriend.

· Alex has no leg.

This seemed very complicated.

By the looks of it, Carl had completely moved on and our relationship was very clear a thing of the past. Yes, it still quite hurt to think about it. But I supposed life moves on. If I stayed where I was, forever moaning and weeping about this, it would be a completely waste of time. The news of Daphne’s pregnancy was just a knock over my head, signalling it was time for me to close this door and headed for the next.

I found myself shivered with relaxation after this thought. Finally able to let go had brought me such a huge relieve.

What about next?

But would the next door be Alex’s?

Was I ready for Alex?

It was clearly that Alex had a girlfriend, Kate, and although there was something wrong between them, there was no doubt they were still in the relationship and it would be very unwise for me to step in as a relationship wrecker. Also……

Well, I supposed this was more social prospective than me personally.

Alex’s was, after all, a disable.

Would I be able to put up with people surrounded me?

Would I actually care what people around me will think?

“There you are.” Alex’s voice suddenly appeared from my back.

I nearly died of the heart attack.

“What are you doing here?” I looked at him as he carefully rolled his wheelchair over a pile of seaweed: “I mean, shouldn’t someone take you here instead of you coming here by yourself?”

“Relax, will you?” Alex smiled: “I’ve been around this beach since I was a toddler. Don’t you think I don’t know every bump and lump around this area? Plus I am not as weak and helpless as you guys thought. A little roll down the road isn’t gonna do me any harm.”

“Oh.” I said, still not very eased about the thought of him going out of the house without anybody around him. What happened if there was a car didn’t see him and run him over?

Alex managed to move himself out of the wheelchair and sit next to me.

“Very nice here, isn’t it?” he signed: “This beach was literally my backyard when I grow up.”

“It sure is.” I smiled.

“Sorry about earlier.” Alex opened his mouth after a couple of minutes’ silence: “I wasn’t meant to…….you know, brought any unhappy memory to you or anything. I don’t know what was wrong with me.”

“No, that’s quite alright.” I smiled politely: “Carl and I had already finished long ago; in theory I shouldn’t be over reacting like this afternoon. It was just…………”

“Just what?”

“…………..Carl’s new girlfriend Daphne rang me earlier today while you guys were away………………” Before I noticed what I was doing, I told Alex everything. From how we met in Sydney in a Sushi Bar, to I agreed to come to Auckland with him, to the death of desire between us, to I realised I still love him but it was too late. I didn’t know why I couldn’t tell him earlier on and I could comfortably told him now. I couldn’t stop. After having this almost by myself for all this time (apart from Zoë of course), all of the sudden it was like reaching the bursting point. I just talked and talked and talked. By the time I actually finished, it has starting to get dark at the beach.

I felt my face was a bit cold; it was then I noticed I’ve got tears all over my face.

“………Sorry about this.” I quickly gave my face a quick scrub: “I behaved like three years old.”

“No, that’s alright.” Alex’s voice all of the sudden sounded very gentle and quiet, it was almost like a whisper.

“Well, I think we better head back. Your parents must be pretty worry now.” I pulled over the wheelchair.

Alex couldn’t get back to the chair by himself. I suggested him to put an arm around me so it would be easier for him to settle into the chair without it kept rolling away (not an easy task really considering his body weight was rather heavy from my prospective). Suddenly his face was only a few inches away from me, I could actually felt his breath. I got a bit uncomfortable.

Sensing my body become slightly stiffed, Alex turned his head around. Our eyes locked.

Time stopped.

The next thing I knew, his lips had gently pressed against mine.